I’m just on Facebook and the Twitters a lot. I say a lot of weird stuff, just so you know. You should probably go over there and love me too.
So you know I’m not dead, I’m gonna post some of my favorite current songs.
I’m just on Facebook and the Twitters a lot. I say a lot of weird stuff, just so you know. You should probably go over there and love me too.
So you know I’m not dead, I’m gonna post some of my favorite current songs.
I have always been and always will be an avid coffee drinker. Anyone that knows me, knows I like my coffee to taste like dirt and pennies. Bitter, black and unforgiving…like my soul.
I remember having my first sip of coffee from my Dad when I was 10yrs old. I hated it, but I clearly wanted to be a grown up SO HARD so I forced myself to love it. Nothing like creating an expensive life time habit quite like self-inflicted Stockholms.
It’s meant to be humorous with a touch of emotional back story. Pretty much how my blog has run for the last 4 years.
This is how it all started:
Raw red peppers are my favorite healthy snack. Like a lot of people with busy schedules, sleep and healthy eating are not always a priority. But to me, when I have red peppers packed in my lunch it symbolizes that my ducks are in a row. That means along the way in this hectic life I built for myself, I SOMEHOW managed to finally make time for my health (eating) a priority again – which means I tackled all the other areas and kept them organized. Open my purse, BA’AM - sliced red peppers – and today, it was good day. (queue Ice Cube rap-a-long)
I’ve kept the Facebook community updated but haven’t mentioned it on le blog yet. I was injured about 12 weeks ago at taekwondo. With what I thought was a hamstring pull, turned out to be a tendon tear from the bottom of my hip bone (my bum). Fast forward to 8 weeks of physical therapy with Scott Waugh, (PT for the Bruins!! I know, I died too). My insurance no longer covers my physical therapy sessions unless I need surgery, which luckily is not the case. So I have instructions to do things at home and I can start doing some light jogging. To me, that translates to running, biking and going back cardiokickboxing. Which is exactly what happened. And everything was FINE. I felt great. I’ve lost 20lbs since June 15th. I’m sure most of it is muscle mass, but I even went down a pants size.
I wanted to ease back in the TKD and I am absolutely not ready physically. I tried and I immediately aggravated the injury. Which solidified one of my biggest TKD concerns:
I thought I would be testing for my black belt in 2 months… it is a very sad reality that this is not even a little bit of an option. I know it is not a race, but I’ve been looking forward to it. 2013 has been very unlucky for me in terms of injuries. The beginning of the year, I wound up in a boot for 2 months preventing me from stepping foot in the dojang. I was able to test for my double black stripe in June and I went in guns blazing to train for my black belt. I felt amazing. Then this injury happened and I haven’t been back since July. Sort of feels unfair. To finally be mentally ready and now I can’t even touch my toes.
Right…so the red pepper thing….
I would buy some red peppers and convince myself I would cut them up, put’m in baggies and pack them in my lunch. Every day. When i am MOST on top of my game, this is not a chore. This is just a thing that is part of my nightly routine.
Except, I just stopped with my night/morning routines (that pertained to prepping food/healthy eating). I would buy a red pepper….look at it in the fridge, close the door and walk away. I’d convince myself I was too tired to cut up that pepper that takes 30 seconds. I promised myself I’d wake up early and do it in the morning.
Except, I wouldn’t. I’d just open the fridge, look at it, close the door and leave my house without lunch, or breakfast or dinner (I have long days). And promised I’d do it when I get back from class/teaching/taekwondo/work etc. Or I’d take care of all of this on the weekends.
Except, I didn’t.
WHY couldn’t I just chop up that god damn red pepper!? And every night I’d go to bed feeling just a teeny bit guilty because I didn’t do it. And at work when I just pounded my 5th cup of coffee for lunch, I’d feel a twinge of guilt because I didn’t eat vegetables today…more specifically – I didn’t eat that red pepper. That I would let rot, throw it away, then buy new red peppers.
How has this become my new very wasteful and ridiculous routine? And I LOVE red peppers. But it absolutely started to get to me, but I just refused to do anything about it.
To be fair, my schedule has consisted of 3am bedtimes and 6am wake-ups. Not unusual for this time of year, but still, it gets to you.
Last night, it dawned me.
This new habit picked up right when I found out I wouldn’t be ready to go back to TKD nor take my black belt test. Without getting too psychoanalysis on it… I gave up. I just gave up two things I loved, taekwondo and red peppers. Or at least it felt like giving up.
I played it cool and repressed my utter disappointment that I would not be able to go back to the thing I love the most. I convinced myself that I was ok with all this time off. That jogging would be a good replacement. It’s not, btw.
I was such a sad ninja. And I didn’t even realize it.
Walking by that red pepper every day, was just a visual representation that I was disappointed with my situation and since I was repressing my real feelings about not being able to return to TKD…it just manifests itself in other areas of your life.
Like the Guilty Red Pepper Game….
Last night, while in my 10th hour of writing my paper, it was almost midnight and I decided NOW was the time I stopped being ridiculous.
I could barely see straight and I was beyond exhausted. But I took that red pepper out of the fridge and I cut that mother effer up.
Then I went ahead and cut up a green one, for good measure….
It was a small victory, but I went to bed more light-hearted than the night before. This year has been all about baby-steps to improvement. Learning how to walk again (literally). Understanding this journey isn’t supposed to be easy. It’s applicable any where, but this is my taekwondo journey and processing things properly.
So this morning, I had my first packed lunch in a long time. Complete with red peppers.
Tastes like victory.
It’s been awhile since I’ve posted a recipe. This is my favorite go-to recipe for the last year or so. When I’m being a snot about what I want to eat because I’m starving AND indecisive (which is often), these are usually what I make. I’ve made them for other people (even people that don’t even like shrimp) and they are well received. It’s super fast, it’s easy and damn delicious. I got the idea for this when I went to Ole in Cambridge, MA for dinner and had the most amazing baja shrimp tacos I’ve ever had in my life.
The lazy but healthier version is to make this without panko. But I was hungry and felt fancy.
Here’s whatchu need:
- Cooked/deveined shrimp
- 3 eggs
- Panko bread crumbs (any variation)
- Chipotle mayo
- Minced garlic
- Hot sauce (I’m a Frank’s girl)
- Shredded Broccoli Slaw
- Herbs & Spices of your choice (today I used chives, black pepper, garlic powder and onion powder)
Simple stuff, one bowl for panko & mix the spices you like the best. Another bowl for eggs and make sure you whisk them
In the pan, olive oil and minced garlic, medium to low heat.
Remove tails from shrimp, soak them in the whisked eggs, then roll them around in the panko, then throw’m in the pan.
Keep an eye on them, shouldn’t take more than 10 minutes to brown then flip them over to brown evenly.
To make the Chipotle sauce, you add 2 tbsp of the mayo and cut it with about 2 tbsps of water. I know, sounds totally frig’n weird right? But trust me, the thinner consistency makes it better. Mix the diluted chipotle until smooth. THEN add your favorite hot sauce. I’ve had all kinds, just go with it. Remember, it’s better to add a little bit at a time. I usually go with 2 tbsps of hot sauce.
Ok, now it’s time to put it together. Broccoli slaw has been my saving grace for so many dishes and quick meals. I have a small allergy to carrots, but there usually isn’t enough in there to make me crazy.
You could eat this lots of ways, I usually go with small soft tacos. But since I’m out, I have whole wheat burrito wraps and it works the same way. Tip, heat the wraps in the microwave for about 10-15 seconds. Taste better and is easier to close without all the noms falling out.
Shrimp, broccoli slaw then chipotle sauce. This makes about 4 burritos, or 6 tacos. (Dinner and lunch at work, DONE).
Oh look at that…. now you’re eat’n baja shrimp tacos.
There are a lot of people who dread getting older and there are a lot of people who don’t. I am the latter. I’ve wanted to be older for as long as I could remember. Even now, I can’t wait to be 40. There was never a moment in my life where I ever wanted to go back to my childhood. Don’t get me wrong, I had a great childhood. But at 9yrs old I couldn’t frig’n do anything I wanted to do.
I had BIG dreams early on. I was going to be a lawyer after all. Why? Because I loved to argue and I really wanted to carry a briefcase. I questioned everything, I wanted to know how everything worked and why. I wanted to try everything so I too can have more experience and people would respect me. Being older meant being taken seriously. I didn’t like babies when I was a baby, I didn’t like kids or teenagers when I was one. I loved everything my parents and their friends did. I loved what the older kids were doing in Summer camp, I loved hearing what real freedom felt like. I just couldn’t wait!
Part of getting older is the desire to save a younger person the hassle of making the same mistakes you made. I hated this (and still hate this). I am a firm believer in making your own mistakes, making your bed and lying in it and reaping what you sow (insert more coming of age cliches). If I don’t learn the same way experienced people learned (even the hard way), how will I ever gain my experience and respect and learn how to love who I am and what I am all about?
So maybe I have to move to a new state with my new lover before I graduate college, maybe i have to get arrested during that protest, maybe I should spend all my money on a piece of shit car, maybe I have to date someone who is totally wrong for me? To deny a younger person of their life experiences or even guilting them into believing they are doing something bad is not only insulting but you rob them of the experiences they need to progress and move on to the next hard chapter of life. I mean, taking chances within reason. Murdering, drug addiction, unsafe sex, felonies….these are all things I don’t recommend ‘trying’ just to see what it’s like. But leaps of faith go best with a side of youth.
Now that I am officially 30, I would love a chance to tell my 15yr old self what to expect, avoid and to do again. Since I just finished explaining why no one should take away the mystery that is life, but who else should younger ME take advice from, than older ME?
1. Don’t worry, you’ll start liking boys in about 4 more years.
2. But you won’t stop dressing like one for 10….
3. Softball will not get you a free ride at college, you’re not that good.
4. Dad might yell at you about listening to Wu-tang, but he can secretly name everyone in the group.
5. You will forget what the pain feels like when you have a crush on a guy and he doesn’t like you. Then you just move on to the next one.
6. You’ll hate every single one of your brother’s girlfriends (until right now!), so don’t even waste your time being nice. Ha. You’re not nice to them anyway. Keep doing what you’re doing.
7. You will find out who your true friends are. Then be COMPLETELY wrong. Then find new friends. And repeat until your 30.
8. Welp, hope you like tattoos kiddo.
9. You’re gonna be a virgin forever. So just relax.
10. You’ll stop hating children. In fact, you’re gonna want one.
11. You start letting people hug you in your mid 20′s.
12. You will love hard with everything you’ve got and you will lose it. You will never be the same after. You’ll be better.
13. You really should’ve gotten your drivers license way earlier. You got 9 more years.
14. Do not pursue a journalism degree, I repeat. No journalism. Not for you.
15. Get better at math…it helps for what you really got your degree in.
16. Stop with the slicked back hair gel, you look RIDICULOUS.
17. The best part of getting is older, is you will not give a f*** at some point…and actually MEAN IT.
18. I hope you like moving, because you’re gonna move 11 times in your 20′s.
19.You’re gonna hate your parents and then you’re going to think they’re are the greatest people on Earth.
20.You will always and forever be close with your twin brother.
21. There are going to be some parts of life where you think you just can’t handle it anymore… and then it gets way worse. But you’ll be ok. My god, are you tougher than you think.
22. Thank your mother every day for talking you out of that tribal dragon tattoo when you are 16.
23. People do not always give you advice who are looking out for your best interest. You will see people completely different in the next decade or two.
24. I know you just picked up smoking, but c’mon. It’s really gross. Turns out, boys aren’t even into girls who smoke. But you’ll cut the shit in your early 20′s.
25. You’re going to meet your life long soul mate in about 3 years. Hang on tight, she is a pistol.
26. You’re going to work some awful awful jobs just for a pay check. You’ll work 2 and 3 jobs at a time. AND go to school full time. But you’ll be doing it proudly and all on your own.
27.Bacardi Limon is not your friend. You will find out why next year.
28.You do eventually eat seafood and red meat. But don’t worry, you got quite a few years.
29.Try everything you can. And you will. Never give up on your curiosity and drive for anyone or anything. It’s what defines you.
30. The most important part you need to learn, is don’t ever ever ever think you can plan your life. You can make a decent outline, but your life will change so many times you won’t have any idea what the hell is going on. Ever.
The older you get and the more unattached you are, the more people will assume something is wrong with you. People meaning anyone. Single friends, married friends, parents, family, co-workers.
What are you doing wrong?
You’re dating the wrong people!
You’re not doing things the way they should be done.
Have you tried….
You know what you should do…
Perhaps it comes from a place of concern or worry. For what, I’m not so sure. That I’ll never find happiness? That I’ll end up alone forever? That I won’t start a family? That I won’t get those sweet tax breaks from the government?
Mostly, I feel perhaps people projecting their own insecurities. If you’re single and THEY’RE single there must be a common denominator so the questions may SOUND like “What are you doing wrong?” but what they really mean is “What are WE doing wrong?”. If they’re in a relationship and they have questions they haven’t been able to ask themselves, perhaps they can ask you to get their own answers. “What do you see in him? When was the last time you had sex? Do you even want kids? Did you ever imagine your wedding?” If it’s your Mom….she just seriously wants grandkids and wants to stop pretending your dog is a baby.
I’m not doing anything wrong nor is something wrong with me and I can’t be the only one who feels this way. And I’m also kind of tired of feeling like it. I’m living my life as honest, fun and good as I can. I’m not sitting up at night wondering “where it all went wrong!” I know exactly where things went wrong. It’s not some crazy unsolved mystery. That’s why I’m an adult and a human being and I’m allowed to make mistakes and learn from them. And like anyone who has friends and family that love them, your journey will NEVER ever go without ridicule, scrutiny and criticism. Not only do I question my own decisions, I know without fail, someone else will too.
A common trend I see among the Singles, is your relationship status will always be up for discussion. Even when you’re not in the room. I can’t imagine if the roles were reversed, asking newly weds “Are you guys SURE you should be having kids so soon?” ”Are you really going to move to the burbs?” “Do you really think that car is the best to start a family with?”
If they want kids right away and they want to live in the sticks, that is seriously none of my business. Because they’re making choices and decisions that is best suited for their lives. Single people do not get the same luxury of making choices without question.
As if being single has less value of decision making because you’re the only one you have to worry about. Clearly, I must be confused. When I wanted to move to New York and started looking at apartments and jobs, I was met with “what are you running away from?” “why would you pick up and leave all your friends and family?” “You’re gonna have a really hard time there”.
No journey goes without question.
That’s not the issue I have with being single and making my own choices. It’s this crazy paradox we carry as Singles. You’re viewed as weak because you’re unable to find a partner and ‘move on to the next part of your life’. AND…..here’s the important part…. you’re viewed as being very strong because you CAN do things alone, which leaves you open to the firing squad of scrutiny, because you can totally take it, right?. This is the part I have an issue with. I’m not stronger or weaker because I’m alone. I live day by day, just like the next human.
But Dez, I’ve heard you talking about being alone and not enjoying it. I’ve heard you complain about being single.
Yep. You’ve definitely heard it.
I’m not a fugg’n robot. It is absolutely hard being alone. But it’s not harder than being with someone who isn’t right for you. Or knowing you still want to figure out what you’re all about before jumping into a relationship.
Venting and complaining is something that comes with the territory of friendship. It’s in every single Friendship Agreement. You will share feelings with each other. As is waiting for the rebuttal from friends, however harsh it may be. So if I vent about a bad date or a lonely night… it is met with a ‘fix it’. You know, the suggestions you need to fix things immediately. We live in a ‘FIX IT NOW’ generation. We have the technology to do so, so why not?
Because you’re cheating yourself of the experience of growing and learning from it. Feel all the feels, my friend.
Depressed? TAKE THESE MEDS!
New guy is being weird? DUMP HIM.
My marriage is harder than I thought. DIVORCE!
My body isn’t the same when I was 19. SURGERY!
Life doesn’t always have to be hard, but not everything has to be solved immediately. Sometimes you just have to ‘heal it out’. Find what issues are deemed worthy of your personal analysis and go for it. Learn what you can be comfortable with and accept the things that do not come naturally. Embrace. No matter how long it takes. I would never want to compromise my ability of becoming emotionally mature. That is what makes things easier to deal with in the long run.
For instance if your married friend was just venting about how her husband can’t pick up his socks, or he’s bad at listening or how much she can’t stand his mother. You are not going to question her past choices “Are you sure you married the right guy??”
Because she’s venting, dummy. You can’t make her second guess all of her past choices that led up to this moment of frustration. She’s just letting it out…like a normal human being.
But again, not always a luxury Single people get to enjoy. God forbid you vent about anything related to dating. “You have really poor choice in men, you should try….” “When are you gonna learn?” “You should’ve never done that thing you did 6 months ago…”
I won’t undersell marriage. It’s a huge lifetime commitment and is the right choice for so many people. But it is a choice, that you deemed would work well in your life. Regardless of how others felt. You did what was right for you, AMEN! Just like any of my choices to grow, love and learn. Being alone is a choice, at least for me.
And don’t let anyone tell you which issues you should work on. You figure that shit out on your own. If you’re in tune with your mind and body, you ALREADY know what you have to work on. Of course, take it into consideration. I mean, it is usually coming from someone who cares about you. Take heed on any type of substance/alcohol abuse issue or something life threatening.
Because you DO have to be extra tough to deal with the fact that people may not understand your choices. Being single (as a choice) isn’t treated as an ‘alternate way of living’ or at least it’s not for women. You DO have to listen to endless amounts of unsolicited advice. That isn’t Single specific, but it’s just one of the many variables we encounter.
Myths about being 30 and Single:
- You’re out bang’n a bunch of people and don’t want to settle down.
- You’re traveling the world looking to bang a bunch of people because you don’t want to settle down.
- You’re sad a lot.
- You’re main objective is to look for a partner.
- You have 100 cats. (this one is only half false)
- You hate happy people and married couples.
- You hate not having ’Plus One’ on wedding invites.
- You have a drinking problem.
- You stay home alone a lot.
Inaccurate, all of them. Being single is NOT a free pass to bang everything with a pulse. Sure, that’s one of the appeals of being unattached, the ability to make a physical and sexual connection with whom ever you like, and you certainly can! But even I know sex with love is way better. Also, my day does not consist of planning my life around finding my newest partner. We do not in fact, hate happy couples. In fact, that is a very good sign to see successful happy couples around. We’re not all bitter mutant ninja turtles (that’s what I like to call my cynical single friends). We like being happy! We like being around happy people!
- The whole bed and ALL the covers.
- Saying yes to everything you get invited to.
- Spur of the moment….everything.
- Sometimes, you gotta go grocery shopping at 7am or 9pm because no one is going to get your food for you.
- Going to weddings alone. BUT being able to stay super late and dance will the wee hours because there is no ‘honey, i’m tired can we go?’
- Pets. When you’re the sole person in a pet’s life, you are their everything.
- Financial emergencies, and no one there to help you.
- ER visits, all 400 of them, are mostly done alone.
- Never being afraid to go out alone, ever.
- Going out to dinner at that new place no one wants to go to. Getting the weird looks, but ordering another glass of wine anyway.
- Putting your name and your name alone on presents you searched and paid for.
- Eating nachos in bed watching the millionth Sex and the City rerun.
- Being absolutely and horribly bored.
- Not being invited to couple’s outings.
- MAYBE developing a little bit of a drinking problem? But as long as you wake up in your own bed, amirite?
- Walking and public transit….everywhere. Sucks.
- Taking your cat to the vet because you’re the only one who can.
- No one to talk you out of your 3rd leather fringe jacket purchase.
- Discovering a new hobby and finding out you’re really good at it.
- Being the only single person at almost every event.
- ‘Seeing anyone?’ Always comes before ‘So what do you do for a living?’
- ‘You still single?’ The question you will hear from Nana every time you call her.
- Unsolicited advice from anyone and anything, anywhere, any time and always.
- Christmas time…is very hard.
- Yes, sometimes you do get lonely.
- Being solid with who you are, haters be damned.
Awhile ago, when my wedding was no more and I made the choice to move on (after the pain subsided) to chin up and on to better things and new adventures. My best friend told me something that I will never forget. ‘I admire you. For not giving into the pressure of getting married or staying with the person who wasn’t right for you. All your friends around you were getting married but you still never felt like you had to follow suit.’ She went on to commend me for not being afraid to take a risk in hopes of a brighter future. And for not settling for something that wasn’t for me. That is how I will continue to live my life, regardless how much scrutiny I endure, which is more than enough. That’s really the hard part: You’ve accepted to be yourself whole-heartedly, now others just have to learn to accept that too.
I like crying it out in the privacy of my own apartment. I like over analyzing my thoughts about why I did what and when and how. I like being sad when I have to be. I like being happy and celebrate the good things in life. I like not having to explain myself or feel like I need to justify my actions to anyone. I’m a good person with a good heart and I trust I do the right things. Ok, SOMETIMES I get in trouble, but that’s not too bad. The hell, I’m learning too. Being single nor being married means we’ve figure out our lives. Or even that we’ve figure out THIS part of our lives. I’ll never understand the judgement bestowed upon people who are all just trying to figure it out. We’re all learning, we’re all in a new phase of learning at every moment of our lives. It’s like yelling at a baby because they haven’t figured out 2+2 yet. They haven’t experienced their lessons and mistakes yet to understand 2+2! And seriously, don’t yell at babies. Then you’re just the assh— that yells at babies.
Being single is a journey all it’s own, as is being 30. So now I have to do both at the same time. Double edged sword, perhaps. You’re on a path of self discovery and maybe it’s a blessing that I get to to do it all alone. I don’t have to have a partner to influence or compromise my decisions. I can be purely me, every day, all day.
And for me right now in my life, that’s the right choice.
TL; DR: Being 30 and single is awesome AND it sucks sometimes. Just be yourself and let the haters hate.
Not. Fun. The end.
Tuesday. Here I was just minding my own business…
I had my helmet, my lights on (it was still light out too), my light colored clothes and obeying the traffic laws. I’m a cyclist who hates other cyclists who don’t follow traffic laws. You will never catch me run a red light or dodge in and out of lanes or run a pedestrian over. It was pouring out, but I ride in all weather. Looking back, I probably should’ve taken the bus.
Then I was all…
He ran the red light. I saw him coming from the corner of my eye, I clenched my brakes but it was way too rainy to make a difference and I drifted right into his path where he T-boned me and I fell on his hood and off my bike. My first thought was ‘oh noooo, my belt test!’ (which is in 2 days).
I had no idea what happened. I just got back on my bike and started pedaling. He yelled out the window ‘are you ok?’ and I waved him off and continued on. Then it took me a few blocks to realize what had just happened. Then I pulled over onto the sidewalk and cried and cried and cried. Had I really just been hit by a car and walked away totally fine??
I made it to my dojang, but in full cry face mode. I was mostly just shocked at what happened. My brain was all ‘Shut up, shut up. You’re fine. Walk it off. WALK it off’. I told a few people what happened and I stayed put just to make sure I didn’t have a concussion. A few hours later, the adrenaline wore off and that’s when the aches came.
3 days later.
I was incredibly sore and stiff the next morning, but I went to work anyway. A little bruising but nothing compared to taekwon-bruising. I’m a trooper. I was just joking with a friend a couple days prior that of all the years I’ve been riding through the city, I’ve never actually been hit by a car. I’ve been clipped, but never officially t-boned. That’s it right? I’m done for life? Not more getting hit by cars, I got it out of the way?
Now I’m All…
Yes, I am very lucky. Some people are not. Even when you are diligent about traffic laws and doing everything you need to do as a responsible cyclist, other people are not. It doesn’t matter..
I’m a little sore and tomorrow is my belt test that I have been training for for months. Not my self, a little sore but I felt good going into testing mode. I just hope this doesn’t ruin it for me.