What it’s like to take the GRE

Day 1. Prepare to empty wallet. Sign up for test. Buy prep book or take prep class? $50 vs. $1500. Book it is.

Day 5. Open the book. Pour a glass of wine. Read first 10 pages, give up,  drink the rest of the bottle and go to bed.

Day 6. Open the book again. Pour a glass of Redbull. Stay up till forever.

Day 7. Wake up. Forget everything you just read. Re-read again. Continue to do so on every lunch break till you take the test.

Day 10. Use book as make-up mirror stand.

Day 11. Finally remember it came with a CD and prepare for the practice test.

Day 12. Not ready for practice test. Read the rest of The Hunger Games.

Day 15.  Swear off all social events for a month till you have to test.

Day 16. Go out 4 nights a week.

Day 20. Ask friends who have taken the test. “Oh I didn’t study at all, and I did great!”  Not convinced…. go back and study for realsies.

Day 21. Practice test for 4 hours. Like a BOSS.

Day 30. Read the book every day. Practiced all the exams. And now, you feel like a completely moron. Second guess every decision you have ever made in your entire life. How have you not set yourself on fire from sheer stupidity? You’re lucky to have survived 28 years you dumbass.

Day 31. Try and find your college algebra notebook. You do not remember what a unit integer is. Also, look for your 3rd grade math book. You do not remember how to do long division by hand.

Day 35.  Google every single word in the Verbal Reasoning practice test. Promise to use words in a sentence the next day.

Day 36. Your friend punches you for saying ” In my scrobiculate view that the country’s problems had been ameliorated by foreign technocrats”.

Day 40. Text comprehension makes you doubt every email you get. Does City Sport  REALLY have a 20% off sale tomorrow, or does City Sport mean without the dependency of consumerism via technology, the level of mediocrity of time versus montary value is subjective to you by means of supply and demand. Stop by liquor store and get another bottle of wine.

Day 45. Take practice test one more time. Throw up.

Day 50. D- DAY. Checking into testing center is the equivalent of visiting your brother in jail, if your brothers cell ALSO happens to be in an airport. Lock all items in locker. Fill out 100 pages of confidentiality agreements. Get a full metal detector scan. Have your photo taken. Finger printed. Escorted to and from bathroom. Chapstick not allowed. ID and locker key only. Now that you’re nice and stressed out, be escorted to your cell.

Put on giant airplane runway headphones for quiet time, and begin test. Take 3 sections of test for 3  hours. Break for only TEN minutes. Resume other two hours of test. Sweat. Become faint. Think you might have made a mistake and selected a foreign language for your test because you have no idea what these words mean.

Relax. Math is coming.

Just kidding. Answer math problems that have up to 6 POSSIBLE answers (not choices….ANSWERS). Day dream about when you were the 4th grade Multiplication Tables Champion for two weeks in a row…man, that was a good year. I had ribbons and shit, I used to love watching the… WHOOPS. Times up. Next Section. O_O

Get your scores, even though you don’t know what they mean yet. Finish test and stumble out of testing center like you just ran the marathon. Float on a cloud of accomplishment, like nothing can stop you and you’re the most brilliant person on the planet and no one could ever be as great as you were today in that testing center!!!

Go home and look up percentiles of your scores. Ha-Ha…. you’re average.

Doesn’t matter. You just completed your full Graduate Application.  Celebrate. (IE: get sick for the long weekend)

Forgot to put down what schools were supposed to received your scores.


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