1. Skip the flu shot, who gets the flu nowadays anyway?
2. Get the flu.
3. And the plague.
4. Go to work and spread it around. Take THAT!
5. Cough embarrassingly on all public transportation. Go ahead, try and hold it in, you’ll just look like you’re trying to swallow a bird.
7. A lot.
8. All of it.
9. Do not sleep at all for a week. Don’t take Nyquil, you cheater.
10. Do have a fever every day. Make sure your attire is inappropriate at all times.
12. Cry to anyone who will listen to you.
14. Go out dancing with your girlfriends.
16. Drink the rest of your tequila you stashed
17. Take 100 advils
18. Go to many many many hours of cardio intense martial arts.
19. Die. Cry…then die again.
20. Go meet your boyfriend’s parents. Must change out of sweat pants for this. Pretend you are human.
21. Drink bourbon to “clear your lungs”.
22. Cough until you pull a muscle and fracture a rib.
23. Go to more physically exhaustive martial arts.
24. Cry. Cry Hard. Then Die. Die Hard.
25. Buckle under the pressure and go to CVS at midnight and get off brand coma-inducing cough medicine.
26. Take 3 doses.
27. Wake up outside.
28. Go back to bed.
29. Enjoy 4 hours of uninterrupted sleep.
30. Wake up, go to work and float on magic cloud of Dextromethorphan. Nothing matters. How did I end up with this pickle? Who are you?