I Stressed Myself Out for a Month and All I Got Was This Donkey Butt.

I worked every weekend this month in addition to my normal M-F.

Crap, I didn’t go grocery shopping this week. Hot pockets aaaand ok fine, a banana.  I don’t eat my feelings.

7am to 9pm. God damn I’m tired. Ice cream for dinner it is! I don’t eat my feelings.

Grad school finals, 4 papers and 2 presentations. Diet coke and pretzels, all day err day. I don’t eat my feelings.

I can’t make it to the gym today. Or tomorrow. Or the next day. Or next week. Or this month….and probably not next month.

Damn, when was the last time I cut my hair? The last time I got my nails done? The last time I bought a sports bra?

Taekwondo? The hell is that?

Gym at my lunch break? What’s a lunch break?

A very sad and unexpected death. Out of state funeral. Oh shit my finals. Twizzlers please. Tacos? Yes tacos too. I don’t eat my feelings. 

7am bus. 4pm. 9pm. 3am. 5:30am Alarm. 7am bus. 4pm. 9pm. 3am. 5:30am Alarm. 4 cups of coffee, no water. I don’t eat my feelings.

Yoga pants be get’n tight, yo. To the Pinterest Boards!! #fitspo #workout #motivation #fitness

I hate myself.  Pin. Pin. Pin. Pin. Pin. 

Damn, these dark circles are not messing around. Eat at my desk 24th day in a row. Red bull. 

Oh my god my back is killing me. I can’t sleep! Advil. Hot water bottle. Advil. Advil. Jameson. 

Oh my god my back is still killing me, no way I’m going to try working out. Advil. Hot water bottle. Advil. Advil. Jameson. Sleep on the floor.

Why are my bras not fitting?? Jameson. 

Jameson. Jameson.

Aww, remember when I used do artwork? I really miss that. Cadbury eggs. All of them.

Deep breath. The funeral. Eat anything that isn’t bolted down.

Shit, I haven’t gone grocery shopping in 3 weeks. 7/11 all day err day.

Shit my presentation!? Burritos.

Jesus christ, my 30 page papers. No sleep til Brooklyn.

Oh shit, my brother’s wedding. Coffee. Red bull. Advil. Jameson. Hot pockets.

I can’t stay up until 9pm.

I can’t stay up until 2:30pm.

I can’t sleep it’s 4am.

Work Saturday. Work Sunday. Work Saturday THEN Sunday. Free catering food. All of it.

Whoa. Who the f** is that in the mirror? Just take down the mirrors and cover them with blankets.

Pinterest just makes me hate myself. 2am and 50 half naked tan body pins later. 

Wake up covered in pretzel crumbs. I don’t eat my feelings.

Don’t look at any reflections. God damn it, Boston has too many reflective windows on my way to work.

Shit I haven’t gone grocery shopping in 5 weeks. Foodler. Ooh, free t-shirt.

Every.thing.is.tight. Am I on my period? Nope, you chubby yo. Eat 2 dozen cookies at work. Two….dozen.

Oh my god, look at all my friends on facebook checking in at the gym. 9pm, still at work.

Who IS that in the mirror? I…don’t even…Wash hands and run out. I need to talk to some pizza about this.

Finals are done! Students went home! No more weekends to work! No more papers to write! No more stress! I won!

I won….at what?

Put on some Radiohead and cry all the cries.

 

And this is what happens when you put your health on the back burner for too long. I’m back to being uncomfortable in my own skin. I haven’t felt like this since high school.  We have alllll done it. But this is by far the worst I’ve ignored my body/mind for years. For yeeears.

No yoga, no meal planning, no sleep, no cooking,  no nutrients, no TKD, no working out at all. I didn’t even take the stairs or walk or do anything that involved an ounce more energy than I had to use. Running on fumes was an understatement. I sat and ate garbage for over a month.

Am I shocked by the outcome? Nope.

I’m just shocked that I actually let it go on for that long.

It’s stress. I always assumed I didn’t eat my feelings, but I absolutely do. I fell off the wagon, and I saw that horse fly down so far in front of me like it was on fire. And I just shrugged and pulled a burrito outta my purse and ate it on the side of the road.

I wanted to share this story with you because it does in fact, happens to everyone! Including ‘health obsessed people’. Things get bigger than us sometimes. I was totally disconnected from my present. My body and my mind weren’t speaking to each other because the other one thought that the other was just straight trip’n.

Gain 5lbs. Sure, 10lbs ehh not awesome. But when I gain 20lbs…I messed up, big time.

Am I discouraged? Yep. You bet-yer-ass I am.

But…there’s this thing about getting older. You usually learn your lessons. And you use those lessons to give you the confidence that you can go ahead and get past this one too.

I’ll be fine. I just need a little TLC, blood, sweat & tears. Little more sleep, little less taco. And I got this.

No fancy gyms. No diet pills. No insane juice cleanse. No gluten free paleo atkins powder miracle cure. I just gotta make those healthy connections again. We know what’s up, we don’t give up because we don’t know how to do it. We give up because we don’t make it a priority. Now I don’t wanna hear any of your shit anymore, yah heard? I just set myself back 20lbs. If I can do this, you can do this.

Rome wasn’t built in a day…

…and neither was dat ass.

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3 Responses

  1. Great post thanks for sharing

    • Thanks for reading and following! I noticed health bloggers are fantastic at keeping others motivated by doing. Staying on track, eat all the green things, run around the world. But not a lot of people post about their serious mess ups. Maybe shining a real light on the weight-loss experience might make others feel better about the process?

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